The More Men I Meet, the More I Love My Cat

GinnSardonic:

I don’t think I can articulate any of this better than Carissa. This is perfect. Go, Carissa!

Originally posted on Carissa Does PR:

“Late to work, huh? I bet you were out late last night being a little whore, let me check your thighs for semen.”

This was said to me by a waiter at the local college town steakhouse we both worked at as I rushed through the front doors. “Actually,” I hissed, “I was late because my biochemistry lab ran over and my nuclear magnetic resonance spectroscopy didn’t calculate properly.”

“What, you think you’re some smart bitch or something? You’re only here to look good in a skirt, why don’t you pull it up a little more and get the customers in. Make sure you sit my tables first or I’ll tell the chef you’re late.”

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Most people assume feminism is only propagated by “ugly, butch, hairy women in combat boots.” Any woman who is vocal about equality is often just some bra-burning lesbian – pretty girls don’t actually care…

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Let’s Talk About Me, Baby

I found this series of questions from my college neighbor/dear friend/overall role model, Carolyn. She has a blog about her amazing weight loss journey, and is as inspiring as she is sarcastic. Check out her blog here! You won’t be sorry (except for letting yourself go and making excuses about it, like me). The questions are more pertinent to fitness, but hey, I could use some fitness goals other than having a less audible groan when I get out of bed.

Let’s Myspace it up a l’il bit and let you get to know more about me, why don’t we? I wanted to take it seriously, so I apologize if it isn’t a bucket-o-laughs. I rarely evaluate my life, so I thought these questions prompted some thoughts that haven’t crossed my mind often enough. Enjoy!

1. When did you start blogging and what prompted that decision?
I have been writing for as long as I can remember. Despite how much I run my mouth, I am much better at writing than talking when it comes to articulating my feelings, thoughts, etc. As I attempt stand up, it has been teaching me more and more about how to get my point across without rambling, and has helped me tackle my Phonological Dyslexia, which is an auditory dyslexia. After years of speech therapy it is under control, but is still triggered by nerves aka public speaking, and I have always used that as an excuse to never read aloud in class, to speak in public, etc., and I don’t want to do that anymore. I used blogging as a platform for my comedy and writing, and now I want to continue writing to help me get over my childish fear of mixing my words up on stage. I guess I haven’t fixed my rambling problem just yet.

2. What one thing are you most proud of in your life?
Ironically, I’m most proud of my work in events in Los Angeles than anything I have done in comedy. I was so blown away by how I could work in an office and make my painfully controlling Mother be proud of me. I learned a lot about myself, about work ethic, how to deal with tough personalities, just about anything you need to make it in a big city. After that experience, I felt confident that I can take on anything. Sadly for my Mother, it also reminded me that although I can swing being in an office, I am just not cut out for it. I am meant to work solo, but now I know I can collaborate effectively. I never thought I could work in a cubicle and be happy, and for a while, I was! It ended and it was tough, but it ultimately made me realize I am meant to do comedy and meant to be independent with my work.

ImageThe rare occasion where I was able to combine stand-up and hosting a charity event. I raised over $2,000.

3. What is your favorite way to work up a sweat?
Eating an In-n-Out double-double animal style.
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4. What is your next fitness-related goal (ie. run a certain distance, lift a certain weight, etc.)?

I saw my friends run a half-marathon in DC at the We Run DC Women’s Half Marathon, and it was so inspiring. They ran and got a Tiffany’s necklace and some really nice swag. I want to participate in runs, so maybe just being able to do a 5k without walking/contemplating suicide? I miss playing sports, too.

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My friends ran 13.3 miles. I drove 2 miles to get brunch/buzzed with them. Maybe next year I won’t look so obviously lazy.


5. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I struggle a lot in the “life” department. I let my Mom control me, I let anxiety hold me back at every turn, I don’t properly handle my manic depression, the list of excuses goes on. Since I made this move to Maryland, I have been making a lot of strides in achieving my first goal of just simply being happy. I can’t tell you the last time I’ve been happy. I’ve been less-depressed, but that’s about it. I know it’s cool to be angsty and mad, but I don’t want to be that person anymore. Once I achieve the most moderate level of normal-human happiness, I know everything can fall into place. But here are some goals:

In 5 years, pending my emotional well-being, I want to be in shape, to have traveled as much as my finances allow me, to be working as a stand-up, to be content as a bartender in between gigs, to have written at least one movie script I love, to have written a season of the television series I have been tinkering with, to have made a television appearance aside from my infamous news segment in college, to have a healthy relationship with my friends and family (I can’t even fathom a healthy romantic relationship), and to be back in Los Angeles.

6. What’s your favorite way to spend a day (should you find yourself with absolutely no plans or obligations)?

Sleep all day and hang out at the The Comedy Store in Los Angeles all night. I am a complete night owl, and prefer it that way.

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My happy place.

7. What is your favorite meal?
Sushi–always. Sashimi, hand cut rolls, anything; but never fried! That’s just offensive.

8. If I could visit one place in your hometown (or where you currently live), where would that be and why?
BWI airport to get the fuck out of Maryland because obviously.

9. If you could have lunch with any celebrity, who would it be and why?

I want to hang out with Chelsea Peretti. She’s one of the few favorite comedians of mine that I didn’t get to meet/see live, and I feel like we would have a great time being weird and sarcastic together. Plus, she hangs with a bunch of comics that I love, too. So there’s an opp for a lot of fun friends to crash.

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This is my favorite joke of hers.

10. What’s the first website you visit when you turn on your computer (or phone?)…other than your own blog ;)?
Instagram on phone. Twitter on computer. Always looking for jokes.

11. If I was to look in your purse, what would I find?

Napkins, retainer, earrings, miscellaneous crumbs, make up, check books (plural), wallet, a disposable camera that doesn’t work. You’ll find that I’m a Jewish Grandma.

Alternative Comedy Rant by Bill Burr

“I resent the alternative comedy scene for one reason only,” Burr says. “That scene created a situation; it basically distilled all of the horror out of attempting to be a comedian. No heckling, no drunks, no obnoxious behavior, no aggressiveness [from the crowd]; every fucking reason it takes balls to be a comedian; every fucking reason that people wanted to be a comic but never fucking did it, they’ve removed [those things] from the situation and [they’ve] created this fucking comedy womb.”

“It’s like stand-up comedy with training wheels,” he adds. “But you never take them off.”

Bill Burr is one of my favorite comedians. I love his hilarious hate-fueled delivery, and he is one of the incredibly few men who can pull off a joke about beating women that isn’t completely unfunny and offensive. I especially loved his rant from his Podcast about Alternative Comics aka “Nerds” who are the new bullies of comedy, specifically because these “nerds” put down everyone who is a club comic or someone who is mainstream.

I love this because this is how I feel so often about so many comedy writers and comedians. They are complete socially awkward, aloof, “too cool for mainstream” dorks  (I hate that I used that word, but I had no choice) who make you feel bad for not liking their oh-so-cool and hip nerd-culture, normcore, or whatever psuedo hip thing that is so obviously supposed to be cool but is under the guise of being nerdy. I love club comics. You know why? Because they can reach all audiences and don’t just specifically cater to one small group of people. In my experience, a lot (not all) of them love to put you down for not liking Comic-Con, Dr. Who, or (insert totally cool thing to like but is classified as “nerdy” here). Many alt comics love to blame the audience for not being smart enough to get their jokes, or for being too sensitive, etc. etc. The fact of the matter is, you aren’t funny. You aren’t a good writer. You are offensive, and not funny. I love offensive comedy, are you kidding me? Anthony Jeselnik (yeah, I mentioned a completely mainstream guy just to make a point here) is by far one the funniest and most offensive comedians out there today. That kind of humor has to be executed much more delicately (in terms of execution), especially from a white man of all people, because if it isn’t done right, it is just a mess, and the entire audience hates you. That’s the problem I see in a lot of comedians and writers: they think they are so above everyone, can only make their group of 3 friends laugh, and blame everyone else for not getting a proper laugh from their otherwise bad joke.

A lot of Alt Comics love to point the finger at everyone but themselves. I’m just glad Burr did it for me, because I could never articulate it the way he did it without sounding like a whiny brat. These guys ruin a lot of fun comedy shows because they, for some inexplicable reason, have a superiority complex and refuse to talk to you or even try to like your material. I try my best to not get too offended because I’ve never had an actually funny comedian I’ve performed with treat me that way, but I definitely have been snubbed by a lot of flannel and black rim glasses–which, by the way, everyone, including myself, wears.

I hate to be a brat about this, but some of these guys/girls really do ruin my fun sometimes. It had to be pointed out, and who better than Burr to do so in a perfectly harsh yet effective manner?

Also, need I mention to listen to Bill Burr’s Monday Morning Podcast? Was that obvious enough?

Summer Kill Time Playlist

Now that Summer is approaching, what better way to spend your days listening to podcasts? Podcasts are radio’s prettier sibling that allows you to listen from the privacy of your own car with the fresh breeze of recycled cool air from your air conditioner or the wind blowing in your hair as you careen into a ditch off the 405. I’ve been consumed with a lot of media (of the comedy persuasion, of course), and thought I’d share with you some of my favorite pieces of entertainment to get through those long drives in traffic and those never-winning battles with insomnia at night.

I’ll start this post with some obviously obvious Podcasts you needed to obviously start listening to yesterday because duh.

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Ten Minute Podcast: This podcast stars some of my favorite comedians/funny guys, Chris D’elia, Bryan Callen, and Will Sasso. It’s ten minutes of these three long-time friends complaining about Coachella, becoming different characters like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme, their number one fan, Shawna, or they just slur their words together to make, for some inexplicable reason, the funniest sentences you’ll ever hear (for example: you got a boyfriend? = y’gah’boyf?). The podcast has been around for 2 years, and has been my favorite since day one. Even with their new advertisers, they make jokes about their product placement, and even offer 50% off your first order of Nature Box, a wholesome snack delivery, at http://www.naturebox.com/tenminutepodcast. If you don’t have ten minutes, follow Chris D’elia and Will Sasso’s hysterical vines @chrisdelia @willsasso. Those are two of the four vine-ers that I can honestly suggest you to watch without feeling inherently guilty for wasting 6 seconds of your life. tenminutepodcast.com

Here’s my favorite podcast from April 2013. A year ago. It’s when Chris recorded his one hour special (White Male. Black Comic) and they discover a new way to say “You’re jealous as fuck.” I bring to you, Jealous Sz’Fuck http://tenminutepodcast.com/2013/04/30/tmp-jealous-szfk/

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WTF Podcast with Marc Maron: I truly hope this isn’t the first time you heard of WTF, but if you have, I’ll withhold my judgement if you listen right away. Marc Maron is everyone’s favorite neurotic grump who broadcasts in his garage in my wonderful neighborhood in Highland Park, Los Angeles. He is a terrific interviewer that cuts the bullshit, gets to the bottom of people’s back stories, and is, above all else, very funny. He interviews comedians and UCB alumni, so you are guaranteed to be entertained for the one hour (or more) long podcast. He has an app for your iPhone that is perfect for your long drive home. Download WTF with Marc Maron (for free!) and listen up. If you want a taste of Maron’s sense of humor, check out his specials (he’s been around for decades), but I am pretty fond of his most recent Netflix special “Thinky Pain” and his new series “Maron”, which just started its second season just last week. http://www.wtfpod.com

One of my favorite WTF podcasts was with Maron’s estranged unknown comic friend Louis C.K. You can listen here (it’s 2 hours long, but totally worth it. The interview begins at around 25 mins in) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Gw125AZtDU

 

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How Did This Get Made: Have you ever seen a movie so bad that it’s amazing? Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphael and Jason Mantzoukas talk about some of your favorite horrible movies, and I can’t believe I have to elaborate more on why you need to listen to this podcast. It’s the easiest topic to humorously discuss, with the funniest people out there. Jason Mantzoukas is my favorite comedic actor at the moment. http://www.earwolf.com/show/how-did-this-get-made/

Here’s my favorite How Did This Get Made of “Sharknado” featuring Scott Aukerman. Need I say more? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYy_RGKHrE8

 

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Take Me Home Podcast: Here’s a podcast that isn’t run by a bunch of super rich comedians that do a podcast in between their trips to the bank! That’s first and foremost one of my favorite qualities of this podcast. The podcast is hosted by comedians Tyler Meznarich and Parker Searfoss who are stationed in Los Angeles. The podcast talks to comedians about their hometowns and the news that’s going on in their towns, and it is so, delightfully funny. Parker is one of my favorite people/comedians and he is as infuriatingly funny as he is kind. Sometimes I just sit and listen and bang my head against the wall because I didn’t think of Nicolas Cage starring as myself in my dreams. Everyone is funny on the show, but I have to be biased and say that Parker steals the podcast every time. Subscribe to the podcast and help them get the advertisement (aka money) they deserve. Do it. DO IT. DOOOO ITTTTT, YOU FOOLS!!!!! www.takemehomepodcast.com/

 

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Call Chelsea Peretti: I can’t believe I almost forgot my favorite solo podcast, “Call Chelsea Peretti”. Chelsea Peretti is hilariously insane, with her incessant use of sound clips of “ding ding ding looks like we’re out of time, goodbye” to callers she finds to be boring, to making raps about Wolf Blitzer. Although the podcast is solo, she seems to have a blast just messing with callers for an hour. The podcast has usual topics of the day, and then people call in to discuss with her. Chelsea uses her wonderful sarcasm and soundboard clips to communicate with the usually boring callers, because compared to Peretti, who is really even interesting? Who can compete with a soundboard? Not me, that’s for sure. I even downloaded her Call Chelsea app for what I think may have been the best $1.99 I’ve ever spent. *queue the “you’re my favorite caller” sound*. I have never feared bear attacks until I listened to this podcast, and now all I wish is that I’d be in one so I could have the slightest shot at not only being a caller, but being worthy of participating in the podcast. http://www.feralaudio.com/show/call-chelsea-peretti/

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Here’s my favorite song she made, in honor of Wolf Blitzer. It’s, as you can imagine, called “Wolf Blitzer, I Love You” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkwcdnmXyKo

 

Life, on the rocks.

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